i'm moving!!!

And you know what that means... lots of packing, rearranging and unpacking again.

I'm moving my blog to the address below...

http://mylifeaslori.wordpress.com/

Stop by for a visit?! I think you're going to like what you see!!!

ready to volunteer...

Alzheimer's has such a special place in my heart due to how it has affected our family... what we've learned through that process, etc...

So, it's time.

It's time to volunteer and get involved and provide assistance to individuals and families and care facilities who are struggling with the onset of this disease.

I'm in no way a professional in the medical field. I'm not exactly sure if I can even help that much, physically... but standing next to them, sitting next to them, listening to them and commiserating with them?

I can do that.


So, where will I land? I don't know, yet.


But I'll be sure to let you know when I do...

cleaning out the house... he's gone

It's been 4 months... and we're finally cleaning up his house.


We all came together ... in our work clothes. And painted, swept, cleaned out, tossed junk, had dinner together, laughed...


We went through cabinets, closets, the garage... we laughed at the number of broken eye glasses, pocket knives, and pocket sized magnifying glasses that were stashed in dresser drawers, kitchen cabinets, boxes, etc.

How many pocket sized magnifying glasses does one Grandpa need?! Quite entertaining!


We found stashes of things that were important to him over the years: awards he won at work, commemorative items from his work, foreign coins from his travels, newspaper clippings, programs from friends' funerals and weddings, the video tape of Grandma's funeral...

The best part of it all? We split up the apple china ...



This china was on my Grandma's dining table at every holiday dinner. One of our most valued inherited pieces... and now we all have a few pieces of it. We split up the place settings, vegetable/fruit bowls, gravy boats, dessert platters, etc.

And when we left the house we didn't even say goodbye... it didn't feel right. We just left and didn't look back.

We were too sad... he's gone. The house didn't look like him anymore. Our memories of him have been dispersed and are now perched on shelves and counters in our own homes. The memories are there... but he isn't.

The house is for sale... he's gone.

reminiscing...

As part of my healing process I've been reminiscing... I've been keeping myself busy by scanning old family photos and slides. Some of them date back to the late 1800's... and they've been hidden in an old trunk. I've never seen most of these pics. So this was like a treasure chest!

The family photo storage bin has been endless... I believe we have scanned well over 5000+ images!!!

As a lover of both history and photography I find it so important to preserve this history. A big priority has been to make sure all of the family members get copies of these digital files. At some point in the future I hope to start an ancestry.com account soon to link up our family history with distant relatives.


This process has taken months. Endless hours have been spent on this project. Scanning. Digitally re-coloring, adjusting tone, cropping. Renaming files. Burning discs for family. Backing up files on disc. Phew... my computer and fingertips are worn out!


But it's a process I wouldn't trade for the world. Can I put a dollar amount on the amount of time I've spent on this? No.


The best part of it all? Finding some gems, in the form of photos, of my grandparents in their dating days... priceless. Simply priceless.

my life is quieter these days...

I no longer carry my phone w/ me everywhere… expecting THE phone call at any moment.

I no longer wake in the middle of the night and look at my phone … to see if I missed THE phone call.

I no longer jump to answer the phone when it rings… thinking it’s THE phone call.


I no longer drive 30 miles south a few times a week… and no longer get to have Saturday morning breakfast with my Grampa.

I no longer have that extra quiet time in the car… to process the daily grieving and think through the family issues related to Grampa’s end of life.

I no longer spend extra money on gas… and yet in a heartbeat I’d spend it all over again for one more trip south to see my Grampa.


Having family around more often over the past few months has been cathartic.

Even in the hard times we were laughing… that’s just how we roll.

The laughter with the family will resume… once we come together again to spend time with each other.


Until then... it's quiet these days.


So in the absence of the phone ringing (and long conversations with family) and the long drives and the enjoyable & necessary family time… I now catch up on "reading people and meeting books".

These were just a few of the things on my ‘to do (eventually)’ list… and now my time has been freed up a bit so that I can resume checking off the list. This week alone I have taken 3 naps, finished 3 books I was in the middle of and have actually made dinner every night...

Other items on my 'to do' list: scan in old family slides, host a girls’-only dinner in the backyard, enjoy my Saturday mornings at home (my favorite time to be at home – if you know me well you know I protect this time as much as possible), etc.

Life resumes… but now without Grampa.

And while I miss him dearly everyday I’m kind of jealous that he has been reunited with Gramma. We love you both and know that you have smiles on your faces once again…

His last words to me...

His last words to me.


"I love you too..."


It was his muffled response to my "I love you, Grampa!" I kissed his temple and brushed his hair back over his forehead. I was saying goodbye for the day, a short visit. But an important visit.


The next day his body fell into a deep sleep, his body fighting for the next 72 hours. All the effort his body could give ... it was focusing on his heart beat and his breathing. He was with us for a few more days... but he never awoke again.


Sitting next to him, off and on for several days, singing "Amazing Grace"... praying for him... hoping his last breath would be peaceful... sharing fond memories... laughing to him as I recalled funny stories... hoping my meager efforts could make his last few days as comfortable as possible.


Family came and went... we laughed, we cried, we loved him.


We were ready to say our "goodbye" and longed for him to be in a better place.


And in his last minutes, when his breating was long and labored, it was still peaceful. He took a breath... and then there wasn't another breath.


We gathered 'round and cried a bit. We said "Thank you, Jesus!" And eventually we resumed laughing. Some might think this is inappropriate... but that's how we handle life.


More than anything... we are happy he is in a better place.

He has stopped eating...

It started roughly 3 weeks ago... leading up to that we realized his eating abilities had slowed down. It would take a while for him to chew his few bites of food. He would eat about half of his meal... and then he would grab for his napkin. In his world, that is the international sign for "It's time for dessert".


Then something switched in his body. About 3 weeks his eating nearly stopped. While he would eat a few bites at meals - most of it would come back out. Or he would "pocket" the food - hold it in his cheek. Sometimes he would swallow it - sometimes he wouldn't. His caregivers took the time to explain that at that point it's dangerous to put more food in his mouth or give him liquids. It's obviously a choking hazard. So the struggle ensued to encourage him to eat, but he can't be forced.


He is still drinking liquids (but only his favorites) - he sure LOVES his chocolate nutritional drink, holding on to it for dear life. However, he can't be fooled when we hand him a vanilla drink - he makes a sour face and pushes it away.


Now, 3 weeks later...

He won't eat his favorite mashed potatoes and gravy...
He won't eat meat (his mother is turning over in her grave!)...
He won't ...

He just won't...


Regardless, he will eat vanilla ice cream. The whole bowl of it...

As his family knows he has always enjoyed his ice cream.


(insert childhood memory here)
On any given night... Grampa would sit down with his dessert: a bowl of ice cream and cake/brownies/cookies. (Back in the day, Gramma would make a new dessert almost every night.) But somehow it would never "COME OUT EVEN". He would either run out of cake and still have ice cream left, or the other way around.

He would rise from his favorite chair to go back to the kitchen (and if you looked closely you could see a grin cross his mouth)... he needed either more ice cream or more cake (or more of both). And in true Grampa form, sometimes on the second round it wouldn't "come out even" again... and so we'd get to see another one of those cute grins.


And back to today... he may only be days to weeks away from closing up the final chapter of his life.

So it is appropriate: in his last days, the only thing he will eat is ICE CREAM.


It's a bittersweet realization... but appropriate.